Projections

Type 1. I am consumed in frustrated self-hate lately and I have been desperately trying to discover its source in the hopes of healing it before it’s too late. This search has led to a haunting, though by no means surprising, discovery. Contrary to what I assumed, the trigger, known, did not cause a ripple effect or awake some underlying, pre-existing condition, but instead it is the trigger itself still bearing its full-weight and control upon my esteem that makes this state so inescapable. I realize now how completely powerless I am in the determination of my own worth, how incapable I am of casting isolated self-judgment. It’s almost ironic in way, that as self-obsessed as I am, I am only capable of seeing myself through other people’s eyes and never my own. (Is this my sorry excuse for interaction?) I see now how this is the source of my instability and moodiness; even my most inner emotions are 100% reactionary. But although they are reactions they are by no means dulled by their own passivity. In fact the only emotion I seem to wield myself is a seething suspicion of everything, heightening any influence into a potentially destructive force. I take nothing at face value, and probe every word and look with skepticism and disdain. But it’s not a matter of being liked or disliked, but rather reading beneath those banalities. I am not looking for their opinion of me, but rather their perception of me. And I take that perception and judge it not by their standards but by my own, and quite harshly. Is this why I need people, because I cannot gauge myself without them? I require a critical eye but rarely find anyone who takes but a momentary notice. Why can't I walk away from those who cast such callous predilections? Would no one else take me in? There is an honesty in cruelty that I have never found in kindness, and it is that honesty, however fleeting, that I find solace in: I'd rather be disliked than fooled (i.e., it's a defense mechanism). I don’t know if this is something I can overcome or if it’s something I need to learn to accept and work around. In any case, the danger it presents is formidable.

[If only I could transform all these realizations into something less blunt and more creative, or even artistic. But forcing them out is a start and more of an awakening of personal thought than I’ve had in a long time. My mind only seems to awaken when suffering, lazily, only putting forth the effort when at its end.]