Type 2. I am exhausted from acting out all these false personas! I have been trying to amalgamate them into a single, true self but the process has been slow-going. Perhaps if I started over completely it would be easier because I'm realizing more and more how arduous it is going to be to open up to my family and existing friends. They will be more judgmental of the changes in my persona not because they are highly critical people but because of the contradiction it will create: I am not battling them directly, but rather the pre-established projections I've given them. Many of those personas were developed out of laziness and an avoidance of confrontation.
My trouble with interaction is only partially fear-driven, as much of the difficulty comes in actually releasing my own thoughts from my own mind. There is this sort of autistic dilemma in which I 1) don't realize that I'm not speaking what I'm thinking, or 2) seem unable to open my mouth and say what I'm thinking even though I want to. It's an odd feeling that even awkward silence seems unable to loosen. And I really don't think it has all that much to do with worry of how people will react. The hindrance feels more physical. I'm also a compulsive liar, that is true, but I tend to lie about the most trivial and unnecessary things. My responses are flinches and sometimes I can barely believe what I'm saying even as the cliches are spewing out, lazily. I need to learn how to pause before responding to people in the hope that I can stop such horridly automated retorts. As for my existing relationships, I guess I will just meld pieces in slowly. For some, the difference may not even be discernible. But in all cases, they will make all the difference to me.
Another curious point is how out of character would all this seem to people who know me? By accident of chance, I recently shared my writing with a someone who I've felt myself to be honest with, but he seemed quite surprised by the thoughts I presented here. And by the same token, I never anticipated his reaction. I think much of my falsities come from not even realizing the images I'm giving off. But then that part of it isn't as much of my current concern.
My trouble with interaction is only partially fear-driven, as much of the difficulty comes in actually releasing my own thoughts from my own mind. There is this sort of autistic dilemma in which I 1) don't realize that I'm not speaking what I'm thinking, or 2) seem unable to open my mouth and say what I'm thinking even though I want to. It's an odd feeling that even awkward silence seems unable to loosen. And I really don't think it has all that much to do with worry of how people will react. The hindrance feels more physical. I'm also a compulsive liar, that is true, but I tend to lie about the most trivial and unnecessary things. My responses are flinches and sometimes I can barely believe what I'm saying even as the cliches are spewing out, lazily. I need to learn how to pause before responding to people in the hope that I can stop such horridly automated retorts. As for my existing relationships, I guess I will just meld pieces in slowly. For some, the difference may not even be discernible. But in all cases, they will make all the difference to me.
Another curious point is how out of character would all this seem to people who know me? By accident of chance, I recently shared my writing with a someone who I've felt myself to be honest with, but he seemed quite surprised by the thoughts I presented here. And by the same token, I never anticipated his reaction. I think much of my falsities come from not even realizing the images I'm giving off. But then that part of it isn't as much of my current concern.
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