My condescension and contempt for all is merely a projection of my own dissatisfaction in myself. I am not unaware of this. In fact I continually find myself further and further sequestering myself from people since I seem so incapable of restraining such thought urges otherwise. I don't expect other people to live up to my morals anymore than I desire to live up to theirs. I just don't understand why it's so arduous and impossible for me to be who I am in this environment while I observe others doing it with so much ease. (Okay, maybe not being themselves, but at least not seeming to struggle/notice their masks of conformity.) Am I really as much of a pariah as I have myself convinced of each time I step outside my door? I can't be. I feel so completely dull when left in my solitude but yet my so-called eccentricities are constantly pointed out as sources of amusement by acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family alike. I'm tired of being thought of as strange and having to play it off comically for mild acceptance and peace. Where can I go where I will be thought of as dull and listless as I feel? At least there I could grow! This outcast status is dispiriting.
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