"I've learned that if you deprive most of these people of that particular excuse they just find another, then another, then another. The use of this excuse to justify their inaction - the use of any excuse to justify inaction - reveals nothing more nor less than an incapacity to love."
Today (well not today per se, but building up slowly over the past month or so) I find myself ready to stop using weakness as my excuse for lethargy and a guilt-ridden apathy for life. I don't feel particularly stronger (if anything, even more unsure), but rather finally able to bear the consequences of doing what I know is right. Finally I see that worrying about the risk is far more burdensome than dealing with its fallout. I have wrapped myself in a guise of dull, self-sufficient functionality, covering (or rather smothering) a conflicted and unexplored secret self. I want to crack this shell, break open and expose this vulnerable inside and harden it against the elements.
My preliminary steps have come with surprising ease. Succeeding steps will be increasingly difficult, but I'm not really scared anymore. It is no longer fear holding me back, but lack of direction. This I can find. I accept the failures and falsehoods of those around me with such ease but never allow such leniency for myself. I am worn inactive with self-hate.
No more (?)
I want to make mistakes.
Today (well not today per se, but building up slowly over the past month or so) I find myself ready to stop using weakness as my excuse for lethargy and a guilt-ridden apathy for life. I don't feel particularly stronger (if anything, even more unsure), but rather finally able to bear the consequences of doing what I know is right. Finally I see that worrying about the risk is far more burdensome than dealing with its fallout. I have wrapped myself in a guise of dull, self-sufficient functionality, covering (or rather smothering) a conflicted and unexplored secret self. I want to crack this shell, break open and expose this vulnerable inside and harden it against the elements.
My preliminary steps have come with surprising ease. Succeeding steps will be increasingly difficult, but I'm not really scared anymore. It is no longer fear holding me back, but lack of direction. This I can find. I accept the failures and falsehoods of those around me with such ease but never allow such leniency for myself. I am worn inactive with self-hate.
No more (?)
I want to make mistakes.
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