new talk

I find it ironic that the more I learn, the less I feel I have to say in conversation, as if my interests are too heavy-handed. I am both so bored in day-to-day conversation (mostly because I respond so instinctively as expected and false) and yet too intimidated and stunted to intelligently discuss the topics that do interest me. My silent introspection isn't enough; I need debate to formulated my flimsy opinions. And although I have friends that would disagree with these new thoughts, they'd not only take offense to my supposed aggressions, but wouldn't even have formulated opposing opinions to spar against. And so I accept the standard of only permitting agreeable, light conversation topics, which is ridiculous. I've had enough though. As I find myself saying increasingly less, I also find myself once again enjoying solitude over company. Books and paper suit my desire for interaction much better. Perhaps one day I can translate this into meaningful conversation. Until then, a hermit's life for me! ...well, not completely. I'm going to attempt to quit being so agreeable and if that causes me to lose friends, so be it. But first I think I need to learn how to be less hostile and dismissive in my opinions, otherwise nothing will get across.

I am excited to test new tactics.