miscellaneous fragments

Forming intimate friendships with people becomes increasingly difficult with age, unless constantly practiced. It's a skill we develop as kids, but if given up, it is very difficult to pick back up again. We become so set in our ways and unwilling to open up to new experiences, that I sometimes think it's amazing that we can even find one tolerable person in the world. In fact I think that's why most people end up pairing off - they find one person that they can mildly tolerate and they cling to that one person like glue, not out of love but out of fear of being alone. Of course most people won't admit this, not even to themselves (sometimes not even to myself). But maybe I'm just being bitter!


I want to take responsibility for once, but it's so challenging when I'm surrounded by miserable people all giving me stern advice about my irresponsible wayward pursuits. Most of them can't even admit their own dissatisfaction and yet they see that as no hindrance to their self-proclaimed righteousness - an imperfection I perhaps wish I had more of.


Am I not fun anymore? Am I driven to the point of being dull? Most of the people I interact with know my general interests but they don't understand their importance. They see them in the same light as their own - a way to pass the time. I can't explain to the contrary without worrying that they'll become defensive (an assumption I make from prior experiences). I'd rather be secretive than debase my own pursuits - I find myself saying less and less.


Oh, if I could see things in real time.