buried

I'm scared of growing apart. Every year I feel like I lose more and more friends, and then never connect with anyone new. I watch those around me diverge into two groups: those who sullenly shut themselves up further into their own solitude and those who obsessively intermingle, perfecting their guise and pretense. I see trepidation expressed in two polar forms. I wonder how I can combat this schism, but at the same time, see how much I too fear intimacy in not only new encounters but also new connections with pre-existing faces, as if experience has diminished to null my ability to trust anyone. And this is what is called being adult? My childish paranoia sets in

as I cling to those I should let go
and smother those that cannot stay.

I dig my own lonely grave.