I spent much of my passing time last year trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. My current profession was the best option when I chose it, but then my path unanticipatedly diverged and it is no longer for me. Earlier in the year I was being mentored by one of my co-workers. I was put in charge of a challenging project given that his guidance would be at my disposal. And so when I was stuck on a problem, I would go over to his desk for help. Every time I began to explain whatever issue I was having his eyes would light up and before I could even finish my explanation, he would already be well into his newest lecture with arms flailing and one piece of scratch paper after another being covered in sketches and formulas. I would sit there, frustrated and dumb, not listening to a word he was saying but instead just watching the excitement he was bathed in, thinking to myself: I want that. My group lead probably thought he was doing good, putting the novice with someone so energetic and driven, but nothing made me hate my job more. I was seething in sorrow-filled envy.
Of course I knew that I could never get such exhilaration from engineering, so I began the tedious attempt to pick out one of my interests and transform into a career path. But each option I explored required compromise and one by one I would come up with some excuse for each until I was finally out of options. Were my interests so passive and unmotivated? Were they even really interests at all? I started to feel like I lacked the passion to do anything with my life. But it was only after a handful of sporadic conversations with my friend that I realized the problem: I don't want a career. I don't want to conform and bastardize my interests into a profession, and hence rob them of their purity and well, my interest in them.
This conclusion was quite the opposite of her intention. In fact, I know she'd take personal offense to it since I think she's excelled at turning her interests into a profession that she loves. But then I also see a disagreeable compromise in her character in contrast to when I knew her years before. People get too caught up making a name for themselves. They start to lose their original intentions and pursue interests more inline with their colleagues and superiors. They start to see success in bank account balances and increased business demands and responsibilities. Is that really success though or is that mere justification for hard work via other people's approval? I'm not saying melding passions and careers is bad in general or even impossible. But it's difficult not to lose the original purity of them once one starts relying on them for money or success.
So I keep my job separate for now. It was a mistake on my part to try and have both at once. I'm not sure what else to do about it yet.
Of course I knew that I could never get such exhilaration from engineering, so I began the tedious attempt to pick out one of my interests and transform into a career path. But each option I explored required compromise and one by one I would come up with some excuse for each until I was finally out of options. Were my interests so passive and unmotivated? Were they even really interests at all? I started to feel like I lacked the passion to do anything with my life. But it was only after a handful of sporadic conversations with my friend that I realized the problem: I don't want a career. I don't want to conform and bastardize my interests into a profession, and hence rob them of their purity and well, my interest in them.
This conclusion was quite the opposite of her intention. In fact, I know she'd take personal offense to it since I think she's excelled at turning her interests into a profession that she loves. But then I also see a disagreeable compromise in her character in contrast to when I knew her years before. People get too caught up making a name for themselves. They start to lose their original intentions and pursue interests more inline with their colleagues and superiors. They start to see success in bank account balances and increased business demands and responsibilities. Is that really success though or is that mere justification for hard work via other people's approval? I'm not saying melding passions and careers is bad in general or even impossible. But it's difficult not to lose the original purity of them once one starts relying on them for money or success.
So I keep my job separate for now. It was a mistake on my part to try and have both at once. I'm not sure what else to do about it yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment