Yes, it is shameful to follow, but without talent what option does life offer? I can't support myself in a life of study but nor can I accept being supported by those around me. So I continue to follow (I won't hide this) but I am planning my escape. Through my studies I have been building the strength and courage to make my break and live my life. Will I make it out the gate? As a pessimist who knows the limitations of her own mental instabilities, I doubt it. Only I no longer let this sentiment stop me.
Who wouldn't want epiphanies? Who wouldn't want to question his/her core beliefs and be reborn a new? I am so naive to think that such cravings would be common. I rush out into the world anew, desperate to share, but only find deaf ears. I was so excited to meet my friend for dinner one night. I had had a number of revelations since the last time we hung out and I couldn't wait to tell her, dumbly thinking that she would be just as enthralled in these discoveries as I. Of course this was not the case. Now granted I can be a bit inarticulate in person, but from my opening sentence I could see that she was not listening so much as waiting for her turn to speak. The excitement I walked in with dwindled and my voice once again grew meek. She was not listening. There I was trying to tell her about the plans I was beginning to implement to change my life and the only responses I could get were demeaning verbal pats-on-the-back before she'd go back to relaying her not-so-funny anecdotes.
Why do people focus conversation on fun stories? "So the other day..." Why don't people want to talk about issues and art and change? What's wrong with debate? I fight so desperately to control my natural tendency towards apathy (and silence), to become a person of substance, a person who cares, but it's difficult for me to keep up the fight with the necessary vigor when everyone around me lives in such a state of ease, passionless.
Note - I sit here not to preach, as I deem my own sins worse than others: it is worse to knowingly sin than to do so unknowing. But rather I press my fingers to these keys because it is work, because it is struggle and frustration. I suffer to find the right words, to sort through my mind, to give these abstractions clarity. I am building strength.
If not, then this is mere vanity.
Who wouldn't want epiphanies? Who wouldn't want to question his/her core beliefs and be reborn a new? I am so naive to think that such cravings would be common. I rush out into the world anew, desperate to share, but only find deaf ears. I was so excited to meet my friend for dinner one night. I had had a number of revelations since the last time we hung out and I couldn't wait to tell her, dumbly thinking that she would be just as enthralled in these discoveries as I. Of course this was not the case. Now granted I can be a bit inarticulate in person, but from my opening sentence I could see that she was not listening so much as waiting for her turn to speak. The excitement I walked in with dwindled and my voice once again grew meek. She was not listening. There I was trying to tell her about the plans I was beginning to implement to change my life and the only responses I could get were demeaning verbal pats-on-the-back before she'd go back to relaying her not-so-funny anecdotes.
Why do people focus conversation on fun stories? "So the other day..." Why don't people want to talk about issues and art and change? What's wrong with debate? I fight so desperately to control my natural tendency towards apathy (and silence), to become a person of substance, a person who cares, but it's difficult for me to keep up the fight with the necessary vigor when everyone around me lives in such a state of ease, passionless.
Note - I sit here not to preach, as I deem my own sins worse than others: it is worse to knowingly sin than to do so unknowing. But rather I press my fingers to these keys because it is work, because it is struggle and frustration. I suffer to find the right words, to sort through my mind, to give these abstractions clarity. I am building strength.
If not, then this is mere vanity.
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