I nearly met up with two crushes from my past this weekend. Both found me on Facebook and expressed a desire to "catch-up" in person. Curiosity and boredom found me more agreeable than I would normally be for such unnecessary nostalgia, so I decided to meet up with one of them, though initially I did question meeting up with both of them back to back. I was having long e-mail conversations with one and had mentioned my specific plans to do something, telling him that if he was interested as well he could join. (When I had mentioned being in town before for a film he had mentioned interest in going and gave me his number, but I got out of that because I didn't end up going to the film.) He responded both eager and agreeably so tentative plans were made. In our initial e-mails I sensed a crossing of paths, where our lives had diverged in different routes but that suddenly we found ourselves struggling with very similar dilemmas in both goals and spirit. What hogwash!
As the e-mails continued I felt his story changing, correcting itself to be more along the lines of what I'd assume from him and further away from the closeness to which he was comparing his life to mine. I was beginning to grow weary with every reply and my desire to meet up with him shifted from sincere interest to suspicion, wanting to see which of the assumptions I was making, if any, were true (i.e. whether it was in my best interest to continue written communication or not).
When I called him early this afternoon (for the first time in many, many years) to confirm the tentative plans, he seemed to shuffle and stall in his words, before finally spitting out that he sort of had plans. I could sense that he was trying to see if I would confront him, in which case he'd break them and oblige our original agreement, or if I would passively accept his change of plans and agree to reschedule. Of course I passively told him I didn't mind and that we could just meet up some other time but beneath all the awkwardness of reacquainting I was suddenly struck with a slew of vivid flashbacks to all the times he would blatantly ditch me for better, last-minute social opportunities, all the times I let him treat me so lowly because I liked him and wanted him to like me, all the times I blamed myself for not being engaging enough to be a priority.
I felt sickened by the very thought of conversing with him, quickly made up an excuse to avoid catching-up via telephone, and dismissed his attempts to reschedule by saying I was already booked up for the rest of the weekend. Both relief and disgust overwhelmed me as I hung up and realized I just saved myself even more time and awkwardness: I felt genuinely glad to have been ditched this one last time.
But because I apparently care what other people think, if he messages me again I'll respond dryly maybe once or twice (maybe I misinterpreted the situation, maybe plans were only set in my mind and not actually conveyed so in text, or maybe I just don't want to look like a snappy bitch in that that small situation, though representative of how very little has changed in him, would be my reason to once again cut-off contact from him), but beyond that, I'm through. In fact I'm through communicating with both of them. I'll delete my account within the month!
As the e-mails continued I felt his story changing, correcting itself to be more along the lines of what I'd assume from him and further away from the closeness to which he was comparing his life to mine. I was beginning to grow weary with every reply and my desire to meet up with him shifted from sincere interest to suspicion, wanting to see which of the assumptions I was making, if any, were true (i.e. whether it was in my best interest to continue written communication or not).
When I called him early this afternoon (for the first time in many, many years) to confirm the tentative plans, he seemed to shuffle and stall in his words, before finally spitting out that he sort of had plans. I could sense that he was trying to see if I would confront him, in which case he'd break them and oblige our original agreement, or if I would passively accept his change of plans and agree to reschedule. Of course I passively told him I didn't mind and that we could just meet up some other time but beneath all the awkwardness of reacquainting I was suddenly struck with a slew of vivid flashbacks to all the times he would blatantly ditch me for better, last-minute social opportunities, all the times I let him treat me so lowly because I liked him and wanted him to like me, all the times I blamed myself for not being engaging enough to be a priority.
I felt sickened by the very thought of conversing with him, quickly made up an excuse to avoid catching-up via telephone, and dismissed his attempts to reschedule by saying I was already booked up for the rest of the weekend. Both relief and disgust overwhelmed me as I hung up and realized I just saved myself even more time and awkwardness: I felt genuinely glad to have been ditched this one last time.
But because I apparently care what other people think, if he messages me again I'll respond dryly maybe once or twice (maybe I misinterpreted the situation, maybe plans were only set in my mind and not actually conveyed so in text, or maybe I just don't want to look like a snappy bitch in that that small situation, though representative of how very little has changed in him, would be my reason to once again cut-off contact from him), but beyond that, I'm through. In fact I'm through communicating with both of them. I'll delete my account within the month!
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