incentive 2

Health recovered enough to be functional; mood swings, though still exerting their omnipresence, have subsided into slightly increased predictable and controllable temperaments; perfunctory obligation winding down into a less inundating time engrosser; and, most importantly, brain's appetite steadily increasing; I find myself again absorbing knowledge with both an eagerness and consistency of which I have not felt in long months. This just might last (hyper-productivity during those most spirited moments and then at least a loom (versus a dissipation) during those moments less bearable). I become so lazy without being constantly reminded of my own ineptitude. For awhile I had forgotten it (or at least stopped caring though I doubt I stopped believing its trueness), and so when it was re-realized I descended into miserable impotence. But now that it has been re-accepted, I have returned to an invigorating state of self-distaste, once again having the motivation necessary to better myself. Of course I'd prefer healthier incentives, but for now I do what I do, and take what I can because I know of no other way to force myself to continue.

Last night I forced myself into an extended situation where an idealized version of myself would have happily nested, but my current self struggled (and failed) to fuse. Despite my forced efforts (though the level of force is debatable, especially to secondary parties) to ignore my shortcomings and reach outside of my self-set boundaries, in the end I reverted defensively and yet again withdrew mentally long before explicitly excusing myself from my surroundings. I found small success in how long I managed to delay this outcome. I found larger success in the blatancy and specificity with which the evening demonstrated my failings: I now have enumerable, mendable areas to tackle. I hope to remain quite sedulous (and not overwhelmed), uncovering more faults to service with every curiosity explored and assuaged in comprehension.