silence

I despise listening to myself speak. I have no interest in the things that come sputtering out of my mouth and much of the time I don’t even agree with my own utterances; they are alien. I have no control over my external self. She is not me. I don’t recognize myself in her but yet I can't stop her reactionary ways. In most conversations I can feel myself watching her interact, blatantly rolling my eyes while she's in mid-sentence, yet she doesn't flinch, doesn't show a sign of the mockery she can feel hanging over her. In fact, she ends much of what she says with a stupid smile that ensures her listener that she's as blank as can be and so they think nothing of it. I can't stand her and hence I do my best to silence her altogether, but thereby suppress any chance of my own escape. And I need an escape, an outlet, a release. These bottled thoughts are moldy and growing poisonous. Breathing is difficult. I have become so tense and frustrated that my muscles and joints ache. I am thinning and my eyes grow increasingly near-sided.

Can one die of an inability to express oneself?
It nears.