a shy, impromptu dirge

myconsciencelacksauthorityevenovermyownactionsmystomachknotted
inguiltishallnoteattodaythoughidonotgiveupidonotknowwhattocallthis
statethatiseemtohavepermanentlyaffixedmyselftoremaininiremaininli
mbounabletoletgoofeventhemostobviousunwantedhelooksatmeforans
werswhenihavenonetogivemyselficannotmakehimhappyihaveremained
inlifeforguiltandihavepinnedmyselfdownfurtherfortakinghimundermyfra
yedwingssothatihaveensuredhisdestructionbutwhoshallgofirsthowwilli
managetwowhenonestillseemssoinconceivableisthismotivationorinevit
ableruinwhereisselfishnessappropriatewherearemyweaknessnolongerw
eightsonmycapabilitieshowlongcaniremainhereifearitcouldbeforeverwh
eredidilosethecouragewasthisabirthdefectorsomethingtakenfrommeiny
outhihavenomemoryoftrustingmyselfihavealwaysreliedonsomeoneandt
heneglectohtheneglectnopersonwasatfaultthesearesocialskillswhichon
eshouldbenaturalwhydoilackthesemostbasehumantraitsandihidemylac
kingsowellthatnotevenmyclosestfriendscanseehowdifficulteverydayisf
ormesoifallasleepwithknotsandwakeupmoaningandcryingandstaringat
thewalllostinthoughtunabletocommunicateborderlineautisticifrightena
waythoseiwantnearestihavelesstosaytothemthananyoneelsebecauset
heycanseethathiddenfeaturethatmysterybutirestrainmyselfinwardiami
mprisonedwithinthiscarcassmymindisnosanctuaryittormentsitselfsinis
terlyicannotescapeittearsaboutmyinsidesthisbottledselfthisfearofinte
ractionshouldievenbebotheringwithselfexpressionbeyondthebladeitse
emstheonlywaythatsatisfiesanditdoesnotsatisfybutephemerallyohish
allnotsurvivebutthisfixationwithmyowndemisedoesitnotmasksomethi
ngevenmoresuspiciousisitnotallbackwardsallreallyadeeprootedfearofli
feitselfhiddenevenfrommyownthoughtsilietomyselfandonlythroughtex
tcanirevealthesesecretsthatiamtoodimwittedtodiscoverwithoutbutare
theynotjustmoreselfdeceptionsaretheynotjustmoreexcuseswherecanif
indtheanswersthesolutionsthewilltolivethatiseeinsomanyothersthejoy
theconfidencethesatisfactionthedrivethehappinessthatseemssostrang
eandunnaturaltomepeculiartheyseemicannotrelateiamnotsostrangeth
oughifeelmorevacantthanweirdmoreabuffoonthanaseereverystepitake
toilluminatemypathonlyconfusesmydirectionfurtherwhatnowwhatnoww
hatnowwhatnowwhatnowwhatnowwhatnowwhatnowiamresponsiblebu
tunderqualifiedunderdevelopedexposedtoanenvironmentthaticannoth
opetosustainmyselfwithinsomelodramaticthisselfobsessioniamrambli
ngnowrepeatingmyselftypingbutnotsayinganythingnoonemustknowth
eymisinterpretandicannotaffordtheiropinionsiwillstayhiddenhereinlett
ersnotdecipheredtoocomplextobeworththeeffortiwillhidemyselflikethi
salthoughiamnotcompleximustonlyleadthemtobelievesosothaticanfin
allyhavepeacefinallyhavemyowntimeoutsideoftheirtimecaninotmainta
inmyownexistencestillwithintheirstogounnoticedisthatunreasonableto
expectofmyselforisthataskingtoolittleofmyselficannottellthedifference
anymoreicannotdescribemysurroundingsthislifeseemssounfamiliaryeti
havebeengestatinginitforfouryearsnowwhencaniexpectbirthanewwhati
ncitingincidentmustiinflictuponmyselfineedtothrowallofthisawayitismy
onlychanceidonoteventhinkiwouldregretitevenifilostandfailedwithouta
nyprogresslosteveninalowerplacethatiamnotjusttohavemadeeffortrega
rdlessofoutcomewouldbeenoughtomakeitworthwhiletoquitmyjobtoleav
emyfriendstoleavemyfamilytoleavemyhometoleavemykeepsakescouldi
leavehimpretendicouldtoleavehimtoselleverythingarethesedaydreamsa
rethesewastefulthoughtsnoteventhoughtsbutcomplacenciestowardsmy
continueddegradationwhataretherightthoughtstheonesthatwillleadmet
osomethingascertainablethedirectthoughtsthatonesthatscreamactionia
mmakingafoolofmyselfthesearedaydreamsfoodtosustainthegivenwayth
eguiltistoomuchpeoplearecountingonmeandiamunabletoinflicttheneces
sarydestructionicanonlydestroymyselficanlivewiththatihavelivedliketha
tiusedtodreamasachildaboutfakingmyowndeathletthemmournherinever
dreamtofafamilychildrenhousecardogidreamtofsolitudeandnotjustinado
lescencebutasatoddleraswellasalwaysistilldoishouldishouldfocusmyatt
entiononselfsufficiencyithinkiammorecapableoflovinglonelinessthanano
therpersonwhynotwhycaninotconnectiwillnotletitmatteranymorearedire
ctionofenergiesinowknowwhatiwantwhatiwantistoseekoutandextinguish
allthatwasforceduponandfindthatpersonthatiwasininnocenceandallowh
erallthecontrolthatshedesiresnomatterherwillnomattermydestructioniw
illgivemyselftohermytasknowmustbetofindher..................................