chin up, cheer up, ...another kind. [end quote]

I haven't done a single productive thing all week. I seem to have made a hobby of wavering between blankly staring at my laptop screen, not being able to think of a single thing to look up or anything useful to write, and just laying in bed for hours listening to the same CD, if not the same song, over and over and over. What happened? I was doing so well. Sunday I got up early and went for a walk, finally roaming around the cemetery that's not too far from my apartment, which I had been eying a number of times via car. I've developed an affinity for morning walks, playing some pensive music and collecting my thoughts before I start the day. (At heart I'm an eighty year old woman.) I spent the afternoon like usual at my cafe reading for hours. I get so easily distracted at home that it sadly seems I can only read in public, but even then the setting has to be just right. I don't know how I'll read if Meshuggah ever closes down, as all the other places I have tried have been a bust. I dunno, I've always enjoyed being surrounded by people yet completely ignoring them. I hardly want to be noticed, nor do I sit there people watching unless I'm really having trouble concentrating. My favorite feeling though is looking up after hours of sitting there absorbed in text and realizing that all the people that were there when I came in have been replaced by new people, almost as if I'd momentarily stepped out of time. It sounds cheesy, but I'm being sincere. Then afterwards I came home, made dinner, watched a film and wrote some. I really think I'd be content if I could live every day that way. It's even economical! But now? Nothing.

I cannot manage to maintain focused behavior for a significant length of time. Sometimes wallowing is just too alluring, and it envelops me so cunningly that I don't even notice until the evening is gone. I've been really physically unmotivated for weeks now, sleeping too much, eating poorly, moping around, and depending on large quantities of tea to keep from sleeping non-stop, but even the powers of tea are waning. Perhaps this weekend I can turn myself around. I am already forced to leave my abode and be social two days in a row.

I need out.