I have always enjoyed tormenting my friends with my vulgarity and my most recent victim has been my one friend whom I’ve been keeping updated on my problems with digesting peas. I tend to eat it in such haste that I don’t bother chewing and hence the peas come out whole on the other end. My friend isn’t easily grossed out, or moved to any emotions for that matter, so it brought me great joy to see how much my story disgusted him.
I kept pushing him to experiment at home to see if this was a common problem but he’s an incredibly picky eater and won’t eat peas, let alone vegetables. So I invited him over a couple times to view the problem in person since he didn’t sound like he believed me, but he declined. I then offered to photograph it. Please keep in mind that this is all in jest and that I’m not really this obsessed with my excrement.
So I decided to create a mock photograph of the incident by dumping a bunch of peas and Tootsie Rolls in the toilet and posting it on his myspace page. The next time I was at the store I looked to buy the Tootsie Rolls but they were sold in such large quantity bags that it hardly seemed worth it: I needed only a few for the photograph and I’d never eat the rest. Plus I was worried that they would clog my toilet if I tried to flush them and I didn’t know if fishing them out by hand, or even net, would be worth it. So I decided to just use one large candy bar instead, thinking that wouldn’t be as awful to extract.
I put the idea off for another week or so until I was at the store with my boyfriend. We stood in front of the checkout line, staring at the numerous types of candy bars and trying to decide which one looked the most like feces. Not only for extraction but for ascetic reasons as well, I thought it would be best to try and select one that would float. Since I not only don’t like chocolate but candy in general, I felt like I lacked the necessary qualifications to decide which one. We finally agreed that a Milky Way would look best in terms of shape, size, and color, but we both thought that the Twix bars might have a better chance of floating due to their wafer insides. I purchased both and went home to set-up.
Luckily during the car ride home I realized that I didn’t have to drop them in the toilet to see if they would float, but that dropping them in any body of water would suffice as a test. (Yes, I’m that slow witted.) So when I got home I did my own rendition of Letterman’s Will It Float, filling a Tupperware container with water and dropping the Milky Way bar in. It sank like concrete. Next I tried one of the Twix bars. It floated momentarily but was inclined to flip upside-down and then sink slowly. If I could keep it topside-up somehow, it might stay afloat but that hardly seemed worthwhile. I grew a little disheartened but then realized that I had some invisible thread I had used previously to hang things.
I ran to the bathroom, grabbed it along with a pair of scissors, and began to tie one end into an adjustable noose. I then tightened the noose around the candy bar, which seemed to hold pretty tight, but the bar was beginning to melt so I threw it in the freezer while I made a couple more nooses to hold it more securely. I also grabbed a rock-climbing carabiner I had and tied the other end of the string to that so I could just hold the carabiner hook, having the candy bar hang from it. I tied three noosed strings to the hook and used one of my protein bars to test it, giving the Milky Way more time in the freezer. It worked wonders: I should have been a civil engineer!
Next I took out some peas from the freezer and dropped them in the water. They floated momentarily but began to sink as they defrosted. I tried microwaving some and then dropping them in, but those sank even faster. I would just have to use frozen ones and work quickly. I loosened my protein bar from the strings, pulled the Milky Way out of the freezer, tightened the nooses around it, and viola, my very own excrement marionette! I had to call over my boyfriend to hold the candy bar in the toilet while I dumped the peas in and took pictures. He seemed less than eager but he participated. Sure enough the peas all sunk to the bottom but I made do. I also had to avoid using the flash, because the strings holding the Milky Way afloat showed. When I was done I just took hold of the carabiner, swung the candy bar over the garbage can and cut the strings.
I posted the best picture on my friend’s myspace page the next day, knowing that I’d see him that evening. He assumed I found the picture online and when I told him I made it, he still seemed unmoved. Actually his first reaction was to ask if I put in my hand in the toilet to pull out the fake feces, but beyond the description of the contraption I made, he seemed less than impressed by my overall effort. Out of spite, I’m debating on creating monthly installments, perfecting the faux-poo photography genre since I’ve already got a trial run under my belt. Muahahah, I already have numerous corrective action plans in mind!
I kept pushing him to experiment at home to see if this was a common problem but he’s an incredibly picky eater and won’t eat peas, let alone vegetables. So I invited him over a couple times to view the problem in person since he didn’t sound like he believed me, but he declined. I then offered to photograph it. Please keep in mind that this is all in jest and that I’m not really this obsessed with my excrement.
So I decided to create a mock photograph of the incident by dumping a bunch of peas and Tootsie Rolls in the toilet and posting it on his myspace page. The next time I was at the store I looked to buy the Tootsie Rolls but they were sold in such large quantity bags that it hardly seemed worth it: I needed only a few for the photograph and I’d never eat the rest. Plus I was worried that they would clog my toilet if I tried to flush them and I didn’t know if fishing them out by hand, or even net, would be worth it. So I decided to just use one large candy bar instead, thinking that wouldn’t be as awful to extract.
I put the idea off for another week or so until I was at the store with my boyfriend. We stood in front of the checkout line, staring at the numerous types of candy bars and trying to decide which one looked the most like feces. Not only for extraction but for ascetic reasons as well, I thought it would be best to try and select one that would float. Since I not only don’t like chocolate but candy in general, I felt like I lacked the necessary qualifications to decide which one. We finally agreed that a Milky Way would look best in terms of shape, size, and color, but we both thought that the Twix bars might have a better chance of floating due to their wafer insides. I purchased both and went home to set-up.
Luckily during the car ride home I realized that I didn’t have to drop them in the toilet to see if they would float, but that dropping them in any body of water would suffice as a test. (Yes, I’m that slow witted.) So when I got home I did my own rendition of Letterman’s Will It Float, filling a Tupperware container with water and dropping the Milky Way bar in. It sank like concrete. Next I tried one of the Twix bars. It floated momentarily but was inclined to flip upside-down and then sink slowly. If I could keep it topside-up somehow, it might stay afloat but that hardly seemed worthwhile. I grew a little disheartened but then realized that I had some invisible thread I had used previously to hang things.
I ran to the bathroom, grabbed it along with a pair of scissors, and began to tie one end into an adjustable noose. I then tightened the noose around the candy bar, which seemed to hold pretty tight, but the bar was beginning to melt so I threw it in the freezer while I made a couple more nooses to hold it more securely. I also grabbed a rock-climbing carabiner I had and tied the other end of the string to that so I could just hold the carabiner hook, having the candy bar hang from it. I tied three noosed strings to the hook and used one of my protein bars to test it, giving the Milky Way more time in the freezer. It worked wonders: I should have been a civil engineer!
Next I took out some peas from the freezer and dropped them in the water. They floated momentarily but began to sink as they defrosted. I tried microwaving some and then dropping them in, but those sank even faster. I would just have to use frozen ones and work quickly. I loosened my protein bar from the strings, pulled the Milky Way out of the freezer, tightened the nooses around it, and viola, my very own excrement marionette! I had to call over my boyfriend to hold the candy bar in the toilet while I dumped the peas in and took pictures. He seemed less than eager but he participated. Sure enough the peas all sunk to the bottom but I made do. I also had to avoid using the flash, because the strings holding the Milky Way afloat showed. When I was done I just took hold of the carabiner, swung the candy bar over the garbage can and cut the strings.
I posted the best picture on my friend’s myspace page the next day, knowing that I’d see him that evening. He assumed I found the picture online and when I told him I made it, he still seemed unmoved. Actually his first reaction was to ask if I put in my hand in the toilet to pull out the fake feces, but beyond the description of the contraption I made, he seemed less than impressed by my overall effort. Out of spite, I’m debating on creating monthly installments, perfecting the faux-poo photography genre since I’ve already got a trial run under my belt. Muahahah, I already have numerous corrective action plans in mind!
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