Ugh, how have I lasted this long? For five years I have caged myself into a dead-end life all because I never realized that other ways of living existed. Today at work my cube neighbor, checking to see if I'd watched the video in his latest e-mail forward, stopped by and started chatting about the grind. Although we seemed to agree on the ridiculousness of it, I couldn't help but notice that where my reactions were to roll my eyes in disgust, his were to smile and shrug. Is this why I'm so miserable working a desk job -- because I can't put a self-deluding positive spin on life's little unavoidable quirks? He stood there smiling about how he has to retire soon because he now has grandchildren on both coasts and four weeks of vacation just won't cut it anymore. He continued to boast about how it took him twenty years to earn that allotment and in another fifteen years of dutiful labor I will too! Of course, I'll escape or off myself well before that day ever comes, but I kept that comment to myself.
He was supposed to retire back in May, but since the housing market crashed he hasn't been able to find a buyer for his house here. So he continues to work, joking that as a retiree he can only afford two, not three mortgages. He can afford two other homes and yet he can't afford to retire? Yup, as ridiculous as it sounds, he refuses to sell his house here for less than what he thinks it's worth, even if it means him working another year or two. I can't imagine ever digging myself that deep into dependency where I weigh the pride of my assets' worth higher than that of my leisure time. I watch as friends my own age toil away to make payments on their new homes, new cars, and other items priced in excess, and I can't see why they would drag themselves that willingly into debt: they're at points where they couldn't even quit their jobs even if they grew to hate them, and some already do. Maybe it's just my apprehension for commitment speaking, but to me that sounds like self-induced servitude.
I hear passive complaints all the time at work. They talk about "the wife" wanting to buy a new couch again or "the boy" wanting the new mp3 player all his friends have. Then they talk about the customer wanting some unnecessary accessory added to the product or the higher-up bosses wanting everyone to complete some time-wasting training or recommitment exercise, all accomplishments that look good on paper but serve no other benefit. Together they let out a unified groan or sigh and go along with it. I can only imagine that they do the same at home in response to the demands of "the wife" and "the boy."
WHY? Somehow being in it together makes it all the more bearable, but at the same time never allows them to question why they're bearing it all to begin with. This sort of group-think dumbs the individuals into accepting things they would never agree to if they could see other possibilities. Actually, that late in life, I'm willing to wager that they'd be hostile or dismissive to anyone who chose not to put up with it. I remember one business trip where a middle-aged co-worker got one of many calls from his wife and stepped away to talk to her. I could really tell how much he cared about her by the way he spoke and I couldn't help but smile in hope that feelings for another person could really last that long. My other co-workers didn't feel the same and proceeded in mocking him behind his back, calling him "whipped." But were they mocking him because they thought he was too dependent upon his wife or was it out of spite because their own marriages had turned sour over time?
I see how much my own escape seems completely absurd because I surround myself with people of the same sort of group-think mentality. Today I accidentally blurted out to my sister that I had every intention of quitting my job within the next year. She immediately got on my case about the importance of having a career, health insurance, and savings, and although I don't disagree with her warnings, I'm at a point in my life where I'm willing to risk security for discovery. Today when I tried to express to her in honesty just how miserable I was living inside the system, my confessional was met with an awkward pause, followed by "you're getting weirder and weirder with old age... what's wrong with you?" I attempted to explain further but was cut off by her tirade about how foolish I was thinking, throwing away everything I've worked so hard for. I won't even discuss my decision to do so with my mother because previous meek attempts over the course of my upbringing to question the legitimacy of the professional world were always met with hostility. As so, I grew up genuinely believing that there was nothing special enough about me to deserve such freedom and that I'd only be mooching off of the hard work of other people. I used to wonder how my mother and sister could be so stubborn and bitter, but then I look at how much my sister complains about her life and other people and how my mother does nothing to better her own, and I understand why: all too acceptingly, neither one wants to risk the security of the status quo. Of course I've been just as reluctant, but never with their level of contentment.
As much as I am knocking the group-think mentality, I can't help but feel that what I'm searching for most now are peers. I've outgrown my environment and I'm feeling increasingly alienated from my friends (family, co-workers, etc.) as I try to liberate myself from the lifestyle which they find so little discomfort within. This has been a consistent chagrin in my life as if I've been going through mass choreographed movements, despite their feeling unnatural, all because I can't sense this apprehension in any of those nearest to me. But there's nothing wrong with me: these movements are not the only options. I've gained considerable confidence over the past few years from my private studies and I've been able to discover that the terrain I'm about embark upon is not as untreaded as I once believed. Although currently I can't see anyone ahead, it's likely I'll meet fellow travelers along the way. My mind is still very much within the building stages, and probably always will be, but nevertheless I feel prepared enough to begin to take action.
There are relationships (not just with other people, but with oneself and one's environment) that help to develop and challenge a person, and there are those that cripple a person comfortably into wallowing stagnation. I am searching for the former and weeding out the latter. This doesn't just involve deciding which relationships should be kept and which should be disposed of in a purely binary fashion, but more subtly it's about choosing how I interact with my surroundings.
Imagine how different the world could be if everyone pushed for the same.
I got in an argument this weekend with a friend in which he stated that I defeat my own complaints about all that's wrong with the world by my lack of initiative to change things on a mass scale. Repeatedly, he has suggested politics as the means to do so, but I disagree. Perhaps he regards my disinterest as selfishness, but I believe that a lot can be achieved on the grander scale when an individual takes the inititive to live right within him or herself. I think living out one's ideals, working for truth, and helping others on a smaller, individual scale, speaks louder to people than pontification and policy changes ever could. Restricting people with mandates and regulations only work to alleviate the symptoms of diseased mentalities and do little to treat the causes. In fact, within myself I am learning to abide by this newfound conviction. As excited as I have been to share (if not preach) all that I have learned recently (and frustrated by how little is absorbed or even considered by those I confront), I am learning how to calm down and restrict how much I say when not directly asked; I can say a lot more by how I live. As for my speech and other forms of expression, I'm finding other less aggressive ways to express my ideals.
Despite my bouts of highs and lows, I am always progressing.
