So much for telling my sister. I struggle in a never-ending loop, trying to keep myself motivated but continually allowing myself to be too easily swayed by the opinions and actions of others. I didn't get home from work until 8:30pm, and although being trapped there so late would normally have me feeling beaten and weary, I was filled with rapture because I had spent the last hour there confessing all my ambitions and doubts to a co-worker. I waited until late in the work day to go over to his office and ask if he would write me a recommendation letter for my future plans. Once I had explained everything, I felt so silly for having kept all my thoughts private and I was surprised by how much his encouragement meant to me. He has a daughter only a few years younger than me, and I remember earlier in the year when he was asking me for insight about what she could possibly be thinking by not pursuing a career in her degree and floundering her life away with no prospects or long-term goals. At the time, I was secretly harboring the same desire for exploration and listening to his bafflement was like looking into the possible future and hearing my own father's confused frustration. In fact, his words at that time increased my apprehensions and pulled me back into the mentality that my "goals" were nothing but wayward daydreams. But when I talked to him tonight, he pointed out the differences between the levels of responsibility and maturity that I have versus his own daughter. He continued by expressing his own regrets and the barriers he's both encountered and created over the course of his life with a sincerity that reinforced my belief that taking risks while I'm not tied down to anything is the only way to discover what I really want out of life.
When I got back to my desk, I saw that my sister had called, and by the time I got home, made dinner, and began washing dishes, she was calling again. She started telling me that she couldn't sleep the night after we last spoke and immediately started grilling me about the irrationality of my decision, using my mental and physical health as her key weapons of attack. I couldn't believe how she was using my emotional issues to explicitly insinuate that I'd be better off trying to "talk to someone" than actually trying to change my life. When that tactic didn't work, she began asking about my eye problem, saying that it's something that has to be monitored and that can't just be ignored. I responded by saying that it was ridiculous that she was already trying to stop me from doing something that I hadn't even started yet. She tried to hide behind the cloak of "just trying to look out for you" but I could sense her complete lack of understanding and saw very little point in arguing it further.
I'm not sure how much I can convince her or most other people that the uncertainty of which I want out of life is really my current best option. My sister tries to control the unknown by having a relatively secure job, saving money, and dating a guy who wouldn't leave her no matter how cruelly she treats him at times, but her future isn't all that much more predictable than my own: tragedy and happiness can both strike at random. I don't understand why people can be so apprehensive about faulting their lifestyles for their problems, which could thereby give them the chance to adjust. Perhaps it is justifiable to say that I blame myself for too much, but I personally find that taking credit for the problem gives me more control over the possible solutions.
I spent a good long hour of the midday on company instant messenger, trying to console a friend. She's constantly picking fights with her boyfriend, trying to get him to explicitly tell her why he loves her, and getting mad at him for never giving her the right answer. She questions his feeling for her because he can't/won't vocalize them, despite the fact that he's never acted or spoken in a way that would justify her skepticism. At the same time, she could list numerous detailed reasons for her feelings, but yet she IMed me today upset because the friend she had a crush on when she started dating her boyfriend (a crush she never fully got over), called her up after months of not talking to one another to tell her he's engaged. During the first year of their relationship I kept my mouth shut about a lot of the problems they were having, knowing that the best way for her to learn was on her own, the hard way. But lately I've been more candid when she comes to me for consolation and I've done so not only to be of more assistance but also because honesty is necessary for the sake of our friendship. Today I finally broke it to her clear-cut: she projects onto him her own doubts about both her feelings for him and her own self-worth. She then proceeds to get mad at him for not giving her the boost in confidence that she should already have within herself. I could easily tell that these weren't the answers she wanted to hear, and that I was only further upsetting her, not comforting her the way her other friends do. Though I don't think she liked my responses, she seemed less surprised by the responses themselves than by the fact that I said them and thanked me for being honest. Part of me couldn't believe the level of clear-sightedness my advice had, since I suffer a similar ailment with today being no exception.
I put too much weight on the opinions of others to compensate for my own lack of self-worth. I have far surpassed the point of going to "talk to someone" because I have thought these issues through to near excess. I've known for some time now what I need to do to break this cycle ,and although I feel that the risks that my sister worries about are completely justified, they are risks that I have no other option but to take. In that sense, I'm not worried.
When I got back to my desk, I saw that my sister had called, and by the time I got home, made dinner, and began washing dishes, she was calling again. She started telling me that she couldn't sleep the night after we last spoke and immediately started grilling me about the irrationality of my decision, using my mental and physical health as her key weapons of attack. I couldn't believe how she was using my emotional issues to explicitly insinuate that I'd be better off trying to "talk to someone" than actually trying to change my life. When that tactic didn't work, she began asking about my eye problem, saying that it's something that has to be monitored and that can't just be ignored. I responded by saying that it was ridiculous that she was already trying to stop me from doing something that I hadn't even started yet. She tried to hide behind the cloak of "just trying to look out for you" but I could sense her complete lack of understanding and saw very little point in arguing it further.
I'm not sure how much I can convince her or most other people that the uncertainty of which I want out of life is really my current best option. My sister tries to control the unknown by having a relatively secure job, saving money, and dating a guy who wouldn't leave her no matter how cruelly she treats him at times, but her future isn't all that much more predictable than my own: tragedy and happiness can both strike at random. I don't understand why people can be so apprehensive about faulting their lifestyles for their problems, which could thereby give them the chance to adjust. Perhaps it is justifiable to say that I blame myself for too much, but I personally find that taking credit for the problem gives me more control over the possible solutions.
I spent a good long hour of the midday on company instant messenger, trying to console a friend. She's constantly picking fights with her boyfriend, trying to get him to explicitly tell her why he loves her, and getting mad at him for never giving her the right answer. She questions his feeling for her because he can't/won't vocalize them, despite the fact that he's never acted or spoken in a way that would justify her skepticism. At the same time, she could list numerous detailed reasons for her feelings, but yet she IMed me today upset because the friend she had a crush on when she started dating her boyfriend (a crush she never fully got over), called her up after months of not talking to one another to tell her he's engaged. During the first year of their relationship I kept my mouth shut about a lot of the problems they were having, knowing that the best way for her to learn was on her own, the hard way. But lately I've been more candid when she comes to me for consolation and I've done so not only to be of more assistance but also because honesty is necessary for the sake of our friendship. Today I finally broke it to her clear-cut: she projects onto him her own doubts about both her feelings for him and her own self-worth. She then proceeds to get mad at him for not giving her the boost in confidence that she should already have within herself. I could easily tell that these weren't the answers she wanted to hear, and that I was only further upsetting her, not comforting her the way her other friends do. Though I don't think she liked my responses, she seemed less surprised by the responses themselves than by the fact that I said them and thanked me for being honest. Part of me couldn't believe the level of clear-sightedness my advice had, since I suffer a similar ailment with today being no exception.
I put too much weight on the opinions of others to compensate for my own lack of self-worth. I have far surpassed the point of going to "talk to someone" because I have thought these issues through to near excess. I've known for some time now what I need to do to break this cycle ,and although I feel that the risks that my sister worries about are completely justified, they are risks that I have no other option but to take. In that sense, I'm not worried.
No comments:
Post a Comment