11.4.09 | a mood
"thick in consistency, cold and dry in temperament"
11.5.09 | an excerpt
...why can't I let moments pass, ebb and flow according to their transitory nature? Again, I find within myself a desire to cling, even after the moment has peaked and begun its ever diminishing descent, still I try to preserve through delirium an image no longer consistent with its reality. Can it be fixed, or more critically, should it be fixed? I flail frantically, trying to assert control over my environment instead of allowing events to flow naturally. If I am inherently solitary why do I so desperately yearn for intimacy through connection with another individual - is this desire not contradictory? Maybe I still have the instinctual inclination to interact with my surrounding, to exist physically, palpably, but experiencing this transfer through some single, targeted entity is all that I can handle, the limit of my character. This is probably in part falsified and the aversion is really controlled by some inherent fear, or rather that the desire for more is so faint that it conversely feels the other way 'round whereby any inclination I have for more is only a manifestation of a social pressure, a desire to emulate the behavior of others who appear similar but are not the same.
[By chance today...
the video origin of accompanied stills.]
I am attempting to experience all of life through a single human channel, but why through the medium of another and not experience life raw on my own? Always this need for a filter, as if I am by nature too susceptible to be so naked with life. How can I build up the necessary callouses when always wearing gloves? This experience with life is not provoked by an inclination to interact with a vast world but is only used vainly to further dissect my own behavior, to manifest some sort of outpouring that would give my being a sense of sincerity, a genuineness that would make it appear more tangible, less tender. Such guile. I am becoming too vague, getting lost within my own skewed tendencies, protectively obscuring by words, not clarified...
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