distracted

"They are lonely; the spirit of their writing and conversation is lonely; they repel influences; they shun general society; they incline to shut themselves in their chamber in the house, to live in the country rather than in the town, and to find their tasks and amusements in solitude. Society, to be sure, does not like this very well; it saith, Whoso goes to walk alone, accuses the whole world; he declareth all to be unfit to be his companions; it is very uncivil, nay, insulting; Society will retaliate. Meantime, this retirement does not proceed from any whim on the part of these separators; but if any one will take pains to talk with them, he will find that this part is chosen both from temperament and from principle; with some unwillingness, too, and as a choice of the less of two evils; for these persons are not by nature melancholy, sour, and unsocial, — they are not stockish or brute, — but joyous; susceptible, affectionate; they have even more than others a great wish to be loved." Emerson

A sort of friend of mine remarked how good it was that I prioritized a boy this past Sunday over my studies, as if to say that this is progress, that this is me returning to life via triviality. But alas, I cannot amalgamate the two: I know not how to seek in everyday life that which is most important to me. No, this opportunity reeks of self-destruction, yet only in reflection. Why hesitate? My moods are no less volatile, only subdued in their restored secrecy.

I cannot make myself known.

[Incoherence will continue until I can restore my habit. Soon.]