impeding accompaniment

So much for telling my sister. I struggle in a never-ending loop, trying to keep myself motivated but continually allowing myself to be too easily swayed by the opinions and actions of others. I didn't get home from work until 8:30pm, and although being trapped there so late would normally have me feeling beaten and weary, I was filled with rapture because I had spent the last hour there confessing all my ambitions and doubts to a co-worker. I waited until late in the work day to go over to his office and ask if he would write me a recommendation letter for my future plans. Once I had explained everything, I felt so silly for having kept all my thoughts private and I was surprised by how much his encouragement meant to me. He has a daughter only a few years younger than me, and I remember earlier in the year when he was asking me for insight about what she could possibly be thinking by not pursuing a career in her degree and floundering her life away with no prospects or long-term goals. At the time, I was secretly harboring the same desire for exploration and listening to his bafflement was like looking into the possible future and hearing my own father's confused frustration. In fact, his words at that time increased my apprehensions and pulled me back into the mentality that my "goals" were nothing but wayward daydreams. But when I talked to him tonight, he pointed out the differences between the levels of responsibility and maturity that I have versus his own daughter. He continued by expressing his own regrets and the barriers he's both encountered and created over the course of his life with a sincerity that reinforced my belief that taking risks while I'm not tied down to anything is the only way to discover what I really want out of life.

When I got back to my desk, I saw that my sister had called, and by the time I got home, made dinner, and began washing dishes, she was calling again. She started telling me that she couldn't sleep the night after we last spoke and immediately started grilling me about the irrationality of my decision, using my mental and physical health as her key weapons of attack. I couldn't believe how she was using my emotional issues to explicitly insinuate that I'd be better off trying to "talk to someone" than actually trying to change my life. When that tactic didn't work, she began asking about my eye problem, saying that it's something that has to be monitored and that can't just be ignored. I responded by saying that it was ridiculous that she was already trying to stop me from doing something that I hadn't even started yet. She tried to hide behind the cloak of "just trying to look out for you" but I could sense her complete lack of understanding and saw very little point in arguing it further.

I'm not sure how much I can convince her or most other people that the uncertainty of which I want out of life is really my current best option. My sister tries to control the unknown by having a relatively secure job, saving money, and dating a guy who wouldn't leave her no matter how cruelly she treats him at times, but her future isn't all that much more predictable than my own: tragedy and happiness can both strike at random. I don't understand why people can be so apprehensive about faulting their lifestyles for their problems, which could thereby give them the chance to adjust. Perhaps it is justifiable to say that I blame myself for too much, but I personally find that taking credit for the problem gives me more control over the possible solutions.

I spent a good long hour of the midday on company instant messenger, trying to console a friend. She's constantly picking fights with her boyfriend, trying to get him to explicitly tell her why he loves her, and getting mad at him for never giving her the right answer. She questions his feeling for her because he can't/won't vocalize them, despite the fact that he's never acted or spoken in a way that would justify her skepticism. At the same time, she could list numerous detailed reasons for her feelings, but yet she IMed me today upset because the friend she had a crush on when she started dating her boyfriend (a crush she never fully got over), called her up after months of not talking to one another to tell her he's engaged. During the first year of their relationship I kept my mouth shut about a lot of the problems they were having, knowing that the best way for her to learn was on her own, the hard way. But lately I've been more candid when she comes to me for consolation and I've done so not only to be of more assistance but also because honesty is necessary for the sake of our friendship. Today I finally broke it to her clear-cut: she projects onto him her own doubts about both her feelings for him and her own self-worth. She then proceeds to get mad at him for not giving her the boost in confidence that she should already have within herself. I could easily tell that these weren't the answers she wanted to hear, and that I was only further upsetting her, not comforting her the way her other friends do. Though I don't think she liked my responses, she seemed less surprised by the responses themselves than by the fact that I said them and thanked me for being honest. Part of me couldn't believe the level of clear-sightedness my advice had, since I suffer a similar ailment with today being no exception.

I put too much weight on the opinions of others to compensate for my own lack of self-worth. I have far surpassed the point of going to "talk to someone" because I have thought these issues through to near excess. I've known for some time now what I need to do to break this cycle ,and although I feel that the risks that my sister worries about are completely justified, they are risks that I have no other option but to take. In that sense, I'm not worried.

camaraderie

Ugh, how have I lasted this long? For five years I have caged myself into a dead-end life all because I never realized that other ways of living existed. Today at work my cube neighbor, checking to see if I'd watched the video in his latest e-mail forward, stopped by and started chatting about the grind. Although we seemed to agree on the ridiculousness of it, I couldn't help but notice that where my reactions were to roll my eyes in disgust, his were to smile and shrug. Is this why I'm so miserable working a desk job -- because I can't put a self-deluding positive spin on life's little unavoidable quirks? He stood there smiling about how he has to retire soon because he now has grandchildren on both coasts and four weeks of vacation just won't cut it anymore. He continued to boast about how it took him twenty years to earn that allotment and in another fifteen years of dutiful labor I will too! Of course, I'll escape or off myself well before that day ever comes, but I kept that comment to myself.

He was supposed to retire back in May, but since the housing market crashed he hasn't been able to find a buyer for his house here. So he continues to work, joking that as a retiree he can only afford two, not three mortgages. He can afford two other homes and yet he can't afford to retire? Yup, as ridiculous as it sounds, he refuses to sell his house here for less than what he thinks it's worth, even if it means him working another year or two. I can't imagine ever digging myself that deep into dependency where I weigh the pride of my assets' worth higher than that of my leisure time. I watch as friends my own age toil away to make payments on their new homes, new cars, and other items priced in excess, and I can't see why they would drag themselves that willingly into debt: they're at points where they couldn't even quit their jobs even if they grew to hate them, and some already do. Maybe it's just my apprehension for commitment speaking, but to me that sounds like self-induced servitude.

I hear passive complaints all the time at work. They talk about "the wife" wanting to buy a new couch again or "the boy" wanting the new mp3 player all his friends have. Then they talk about the customer wanting some unnecessary accessory added to the product or the higher-up bosses wanting everyone to complete some time-wasting training or recommitment exercise, all accomplishments that look good on paper but serve no other benefit. Together they let out a unified groan or sigh and go along with it. I can only imagine that they do the same at home in response to the demands of "the wife" and "the boy."

WHY? Somehow being in it together makes it all the more bearable, but at the same time never allows them to question why they're bearing it all to begin with. This sort of group-think dumbs the individuals into accepting things they would never agree to if they could see other possibilities. Actually, that late in life, I'm willing to wager that they'd be hostile or dismissive to anyone who chose not to put up with it. I remember one business trip where a middle-aged co-worker got one of many calls from his wife and stepped away to talk to her. I could really tell how much he cared about her by the way he spoke and I couldn't help but smile in hope that feelings for another person could really last that long. My other co-workers didn't feel the same and proceeded in mocking him behind his back, calling him "whipped." But were they mocking him because they thought he was too dependent upon his wife or was it out of spite because their own marriages had turned sour over time?

I see how much my own escape seems completely absurd because I surround myself with people of the same sort of group-think mentality. Today I accidentally blurted out to my sister that I had every intention of quitting my job within the next year. She immediately got on my case about the importance of having a career, health insurance, and savings, and although I don't disagree with her warnings, I'm at a point in my life where I'm willing to risk security for discovery. Today when I tried to express to her in honesty just how miserable I was living inside the system, my confessional was met with an awkward pause, followed by "you're getting weirder and weirder with old age... what's wrong with you?" I attempted to explain further but was cut off by her tirade about how foolish I was thinking, throwing away everything I've worked so hard for. I won't even discuss my decision to do so with my mother because previous meek attempts over the course of my upbringing to question the legitimacy of the professional world were always met with hostility. As so, I grew up genuinely believing that there was nothing special enough about me to deserve such freedom and that I'd only be mooching off of the hard work of other people. I used to wonder how my mother and sister could be so stubborn and bitter, but then I look at how much my sister complains about her life and other people and how my mother does nothing to better her own, and I understand why: all too acceptingly, neither one wants to risk the security of the status quo. Of course I've been just as reluctant, but never with their level of contentment.

As much as I am knocking the group-think mentality, I can't help but feel that what I'm searching for most now are peers. I've outgrown my environment and I'm feeling increasingly alienated from my friends (family, co-workers, etc.) as I try to liberate myself from the lifestyle which they find so little discomfort within. This has been a consistent chagrin in my life as if I've been going through mass choreographed movements, despite their feeling unnatural, all because I can't sense this apprehension in any of those nearest to me. But there's nothing wrong with me: these movements are not the only options. I've gained considerable confidence over the past few years from my private studies and I've been able to discover that the terrain I'm about embark upon is not as untreaded as I once believed. Although currently I can't see anyone ahead, it's likely I'll meet fellow travelers along the way. My mind is still very much within the building stages, and probably always will be, but nevertheless I feel prepared enough to begin to take action.

There are relationships (not just with other people, but with oneself and one's environment) that help to develop and challenge a person, and there are those that cripple a person comfortably into wallowing stagnation. I am searching for the former and weeding out the latter. This doesn't just involve deciding which relationships should be kept and which should be disposed of in a purely binary fashion, but more subtly it's about choosing how I interact with my surroundings.

Imagine how different the world could be if everyone pushed for the same.

I got in an argument this weekend with a friend in which he stated that I defeat my own complaints about all that's wrong with the world by my lack of initiative to change things on a mass scale. Repeatedly, he has suggested politics as the means to do so, but I disagree. Perhaps he regards my disinterest as selfishness, but I believe that a lot can be achieved on the grander scale when an individual takes the inititive to live right within him or herself. I think living out one's ideals, working for truth, and helping others on a smaller, individual scale, speaks louder to people than pontification and policy changes ever could. Restricting people with mandates and regulations only work to alleviate the symptoms of diseased mentalities and do little to treat the causes. In fact, within myself I am learning to abide by this newfound conviction. As excited as I have been to share (if not preach) all that I have learned recently (and frustrated by how little is absorbed or even considered by those I confront), I am learning how to calm down and restrict how much I say when not directly asked; I can say a lot more by how I live. As for my speech and other forms of expression, I'm finding other less aggressive ways to express my ideals.

Despite my bouts of highs and lows, I am always progressing.

work in progress

*deep diving*

to continue

"My one true goal is really to humbly learn the truth, and not at all to convince others I'm right, or that I know more than they do. I learn first, and if I can share it with others, wonderful."

04/09/09

My environment is killing me. I am not this weak by nature.

It is nearly time.

i really wanted to stop...

will write soon, but for now another quote

“A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam that flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his own thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a sort of alienated majesty.” Emerson

quote // *** // vague update

"Writing (like all acts of artistic creation) is a process of discovery and the writer must hold him or herself delicately, sensitively open to whatever comes up during that process of exploration, continuously willing to change paths to pursue new material, to go off in a new direction." RC

* * *

I am so frustrated lately. Everything seems to take fives times longer than I plan, and I'm still at a point where I feel like with each step I'm losing more ground than I gaining. I know with persistence this will change, but such knowledge doesn't make my effort any less arduous. It's not helping that lately my body is demanding nine hours of sleep a night versus the typical five that I prefer giving it. Gauging my progress is skewed by how often my feats are internal, and those that aren't, are still very much private. I, among too many others infused with programmed expectations, still struggle to anticipate the future benefits of my current selfishness. If anything, this expanded need for time only makes it all the more obvious and imminent that I eradicate those tasks that take away from my desired pursuits.

nowhere

I'm still wrong.

camel cricket infestation

Ewwwww!!! Those aren't giant jumping spiders.

Someone go get my clothes out of the washing machine downstairs; they're everywhere!

just a peek

I see fear, and where I can't see fear, I see joyous complacency or indifference.

meet ups

I’ve had a number of social awakenings lately. As I have been frustrated with the people around me and my inability to connect with those I desire to befriend, I’ve learned a lot about my own misconceptions on communication. Now I realize that what makes a good friend isn’t having common interests but having and expressing genuine interest in one another. Last weekend I met up with an out-of-town friend. We met in person, at work of all places, about four years ago but soon after then he moved to another city and our correspondences have been primarily through e-mails that at best are daily though sometimes wane to weekly. We grew up in different cultures, have very dissimilar tastes (on music, movies, entertainment, etc.), and our views (on religion, success, art, relationships, etc.) and goals, despite how parallel they run, are actually quite different in practice. But despite our contrasts, over the years we’ve become surprisingly strong inspirations in one another’s lives: as I admire him for his versatility and drive, he admires me for my passion for learning and self-improvement. When we disagree with each other, we never really argue or debate, but just openly share our opinions. We delight in learning about each other because our contrasting views on life give us perspectives we’d otherwise miss out on.

On the other hand, a few years ago I met a guy with very similar tastes and I’ve had a horrible time trying to figure out why we never seemed to click. We met because we kept showing up to the same films and noticing one another in the audience (as movies I go to are very rarely crowded… and by crowded I mean more than fifteen people). We started writing these elaborate e-mails to each other about our mutual passion for cinema, but our personal lives always stayed backseat. Even when we met in person, it would always be to see a film, and if we did anything afterwards our conversations would mostly pertain to discussions on cinema. It wasn’t just an evasion of other subjects, but our complete lack of connection on a more personable level. He would always behave very formal and well-mannered, always shaking hands with people he’d meet, using his full (first and last) name anytime he left a message on my voicemail, and even though I’d be coming from work and he’d be coming from class, our dress would always imply the opposite. When I’d make sarcastic responses in jest, he’d apologize thinking he’d offended me in some way, pinning us in a rather awkward moment. In the whole time that I've known him, I've never once heard him really let out a laugh, and it’s not just some failing on my part; I've never seen him really let loose with his other friends either. Talking about film was the only way we knew how to connect, and I could never figure out how he could act so uptight and well, nerdy, yet enjoy many subversive and transgressive film works as well as being so broadminded. He graduated earlier this year and just recently moved to another city (taking my Bresson book and a handful of my DVDs with him!). I have a feeling we’ll still keep in touch over the years though contact will probably be sporadic and very rare. Even if we lived in the same city though, I doubt anymore would come of us than acquaintanceship.

Of course these two aren’t all-encompassing cases, just recent observations.

I have one more entry left in my lessons on personal communication series and then I’ll move on to other topics. Actually, I have a whole prioritized list of topics I've been really anxious to write about, but my moodiness has been causing them to be on indefinite delay.