I’m trying to get my act together by learning focus. I keep forgetting that it’s not a matter of staying on some silly schedule, rushing through things just to check them off, but rather doing what I want, what feels right, and taking the time to do it right. I got sidetracked this year with a lot of my own personal problems and a sudden newfound interest in current events and issues (which in retrospect I think was subconsciously sparked as a diversion for my inability to deal with my own problems, or at the very least, my attempt to put them into the perspective of the bigger picture). When I say “sidetracked” though, I don’t mean it to carry its usual negative connotation as both interests were important and necessary pursuits. And they still are, but just not as explicitly.
After months of telling myself I was going to, I’ve finally started reading Ray Carney’s mailbag from the beginning and I’m slapping myself for not having started it sooner; it’s helping me in exactly the way I thought it would and of which I have been needing for quite some time now. I have been paralyzed this entire summer by an overwhelming sense of loneliness: the more I pursue my interests the further they distance me from everything (and everyone) I know. Reading a good book or watching a good film seemed to only squelch the feeling temporarily before I'd once again return to feeling disillusioned. As much as I knew that I could no longer maintain the life I’m currently living, I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t cut out to take the necessary steps to break away.
But I've found solace in reading about other people struggling similarly in isolation. These past couple weeks, I've come to a number of conclusions, which I am planning on elaborating with specific examples in upcoming entries. I've lost interest in trying to explain or justify myself to anyone and I finally feel comfortable enough within my own endeavors that I no longer feel lonely. Of course, there will be moments of doubt, but overall not only has my mentality changed, but the way I'm dealing with the people around me has as well. I'm doing what I need to do for myself and realizing that I can't help people that don't want to be helped (and yes, I'm aware of how much that's applied to myself from both perspectives).
Most importantly, I'm back into art and learning. I'm no longer treating them as distractions but as genuine pursuits. I've been wasting too much time keeping up with the latest film news and what-not, so I'm going back to the classics and the greats one director at a time (though of course I'll still be watching miscellaneously chosen films along the way). I will be trudging through these works much slower than usual as I'm going to start taking the time to study them, reflect, read about them, and write. As Carney put it, I'm struggling for verbal consciousness. This is my new high priority mission.
There will be a film blog sooooooon. So far it's been rough and extremely frustrating, but I refuse to quit this time.
[This was a useless rant written rather quickly, but various social drama inhibited me from taking the time I had planned for writing today.]
After months of telling myself I was going to, I’ve finally started reading Ray Carney’s mailbag from the beginning and I’m slapping myself for not having started it sooner; it’s helping me in exactly the way I thought it would and of which I have been needing for quite some time now. I have been paralyzed this entire summer by an overwhelming sense of loneliness: the more I pursue my interests the further they distance me from everything (and everyone) I know. Reading a good book or watching a good film seemed to only squelch the feeling temporarily before I'd once again return to feeling disillusioned. As much as I knew that I could no longer maintain the life I’m currently living, I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t cut out to take the necessary steps to break away.
But I've found solace in reading about other people struggling similarly in isolation. These past couple weeks, I've come to a number of conclusions, which I am planning on elaborating with specific examples in upcoming entries. I've lost interest in trying to explain or justify myself to anyone and I finally feel comfortable enough within my own endeavors that I no longer feel lonely. Of course, there will be moments of doubt, but overall not only has my mentality changed, but the way I'm dealing with the people around me has as well. I'm doing what I need to do for myself and realizing that I can't help people that don't want to be helped (and yes, I'm aware of how much that's applied to myself from both perspectives).
Most importantly, I'm back into art and learning. I'm no longer treating them as distractions but as genuine pursuits. I've been wasting too much time keeping up with the latest film news and what-not, so I'm going back to the classics and the greats one director at a time (though of course I'll still be watching miscellaneously chosen films along the way). I will be trudging through these works much slower than usual as I'm going to start taking the time to study them, reflect, read about them, and write. As Carney put it, I'm struggling for verbal consciousness. This is my new high priority mission.
There will be a film blog sooooooon. So far it's been rough and extremely frustrating, but I refuse to quit this time.
[This was a useless rant written rather quickly, but various social drama inhibited me from taking the time I had planned for writing today.]
1 comment:
I found your blog by accident and I relate so well to the things you say and do that it upsets me in some strange way. Perhaps through struggling with isolation and loneliness and a crippling inability to find anyone remotely like me, I reinforce a respect for myself and a belief that I am unique. So by being so interesting you have shattered my self-image! How dare you!
I am not very good at following blogs, partially because I dislike the idea of blogs generally and partially because it always feels like some sort of obligation. I have one post in my blog which you can find at endlesslyrecursive.blogspot.com. Why this would result in your being interested in me I don't know, but the comments are screened, so leave your e-mail address if you think you would enjoy e-dialoguing with me for a small time. Otherwise: I am glad to know that you exist.
-another (as yet) unknown girl
Post a Comment