over it

I have returned to life, different but always the same. Unlike before, I will no longer lie to appease their deviated truths, but unlike most recently, I will not expect what cannot be. I cannot validate my principles with open disdain. Blatant honesty changes nothing of the outside world: my diatribes yield only fruitless frustration. No one cares. I am making the choice to remain hidden, sharing only pieces and very few. No longer do I wish to delude myself with that disingenuous moment of perceived connection. It never was. I cannot continue to divert my gaze from the solitude that will shadow my life always. I am strongest kept within myself, expecting nothing and ever at a distance.

( )

"All my life has passed within four walls." SH

redecorating

Yup, between oversleeping, exercising, and chit-chatting with various peeps, I didn't get a chance to finish writing what I wanted to post. I'm trying to post daily (yeah, that'll last a week at most), so this goes up instead. I will cover my walls yet!

starting... now!

I use this space for the purpose of venting and self-motivating, though lately it’s been about 90% venting and 10% motivation. In an effort to even this out, I’ll be posting a larger variety of doings and thoughts just to keep me doing and thinking. I can’t imagine many of them will be worthwhile to know for my audience, but again I stress, I’m not writing this with you in mind. So suffer the boredom of my randomness! Well, at least until I figure out what I direction I want to go.

Oh, and I also take requests, so if anyone has anything they want to know or wants me to try, let me know. Though of course, the level of effort I put into it will depend upon how much it interests or challenges me.

no more false dreams

I have a plan. Due to superstitions though, I’m not sharing precise details. Basically I’m giving myself exactly one year to clean up my act and if that goes accordingly, then I will do what I’m planning on doing. Of course all this can be easily tripped up by outside forces. It’s selfish of me to refer to them so coldly, but again, I don’t want to get into it. There will always be stumbling blocks and so long as I keep waiting for them to subside, I will always have a plethora of excuses at my disposal to justify my inactivity. I’m tired of my own excuses. So whether this pans out or not, at least I’m working towards something specific now. I am learning to be content within myself, not to judge others so critically, and not to make such an absurd spectacle of myself. It’s a different way of not needing anyone, one which no longer implies such dismal abandon and isolation.

This lot is life and I will work through it, warmly.

breathe

At two in the morning she lay soaking in the tub, a razor blade on the floor and a book resting on the bath's edge. She chose neither, nor herself. Instead she sat there curled up at first, dripping and impalpably nipped, then stretched out at end, not really crying but then not really not crying either. At last the frantic madness had subsided, and though her face remained marked, the water soothed, camouflaging her bitter defeat. But in her resistance a delicate thought escaped her breath and whispered with illuminating veracity the reasoning with which she had so diligently concealed in stubborn stagnation. Although her repeated failures obviated the infiniteness of her regenerated options, she couldn't help but feel an anti-climactic reluctance to accept a continuance. But now the absurdity of her circumstance stripped her shields bare, and the perhaps ironical conclusion seeped unimpeded into her every warmly opened pore. Yes, finally she understood that the force which so consistently inhibits her pursuit of death is in fact the same one which inhibits her from pursuing life: both the lock she flees from and the one she retreats to require the same key. Each instigation requires a selfishness she cannot bear to wield for her conditioned guilt immobilizes every flinch into futility or submission. So as her beloved escape becomes no more obtainable than that which she fears, the two passageways suddenly appear to be of the same creed. Only by comparing the opposing vastness and emptiness which lie behind each door does the choice become clear. With hesitation, she treads.

and now to introduce my newest friends!

Recently purchased books that perhaps I'll get around to reading (among all sorts of other tasks that I can't seem to get around to accomplishing and which will most likely be further delayed due to the following):

Midnight Movies - Hoberman & Rosenbaum
The Revolution of Every Day Life - Raoul Vanetgem
The Arcades Project - Walter Benjamin
The Films of Mike Leigh - Carney & Quart

The Blind Owl - Sadegh Hedayat
Discovering Orson Welles - Jonathan Rosenbaum
A People's History of the United States - Howard Zinn

(pending submittal...)
History of Western Philosophy - Bertrand Russell
Aurelia & Other Writings - Gerard De Nerval
For a New Novel: Essays on Fiction - Alain Robbe-Grillet

yummy, yum, yum

delay

Between a long weekend with family and Democracy Now!'s extended coverage for the DNC and the RNC, I'm falling behind in writing, online reading, and movie watching.

My writing will pick up again soon.

first, awaken

"If children resist discipline as a part of their playful nature, adults rebel against traffic signs as a symbol of their disrespect and dissatisfaction about the imposed order of a system that is indifferent to them."

balding

So I figured out why my vacuum cleaner doesn't work so good lately.

Maybe I should clean more often.