I appear to have gotten nowhere. Plagued with hidden demons, my progress has been dilatory. In what brief moments I do spend conscious of the outside world, I awake to a reality that seems to have created itself around me while I sleepwalked through life. “This can’t be real; this is not the life I would have pursued.” But I can’t seem to stay conscious long enough to change it. My anxiety attacks with debilitating force and I withdraw to the inner realm of my own mind. But even in this internalized world, I find little comfort. In fact I can’t make any progress in reality until I can manage a level of prolonged mental stability, but how? I have been stuck in this stage too long, quiescent, but I am finally weary of wallowing. I don’t expect anyone to believe me in this statement, as I have been suspect to it before, but I know it finally to be truth. An obscene devotion to introspection has enabled me to develop a profound level of self-awareness, which I cherish, but it has also been accompanied by a paralyzing level of realization (and anticipatory acceptance) of my own limitations. Too well I can predict my own shortcomings and this secured doubt has continuously inhibited any potential growth. I drag my feet on every important decision struggling to convince myself that I am capable of whatever change I am hoping to achieve, but when I do make these decisions, I make them for keeps: my stubbornness delays but once I achieve the necessary activation energy, as rare as that may be, it motivates me without regret.
Too long I have allowed my stubbornness and shame to impede me. Beneath layer upon layer of doubt, guilt, and depression, I do know my own right from wrong; however, that conscience rarely ever seeps passed those barriers to the surface of my decisions. Being this weak willed, I start at a tremendous disadvantage, but I need to concentrate less on comparisons and more on optimizing my own continuous progress regardless of its relativity. I realize increasingly more that my expectations for immediacy are inherently counterproductive. I cannot achieve this new beginning overnight; this is something I have to work for with both diligence and ease and not withdraw from so readily in frustration.
And what will my first step be? I am learning to ask for help, not passively though but rather through interaction. I need to start utilizing the resources that are available to me as it has become devastatingly clear that I can’t do this on my own. I am not talking about dependency, which has been my general way of wallowing stagnant, but growth. I am asking myself and those around me for communication, criticism, and challenges. I am finally willing to put forth a level of openness of which I have never done before, but I need to be careful that it does not become as exploitative as it was sinking to so recently. I will try to make the best of the relationships I do have, and learn to take up the initiative to seek out new ones that can be mutually beneficial.
I want failure; I want it because I know it’s inevitable and I need to learn how to take it without scarring my esteem and relapsing at its mere possibility - is my vulnerability inherent or can it be unlearned? If it can’t be unlearned then I embrace my own demise; better that than not trying. I have wasted too much time protecting a life that I have never found worth living; I can’t live like this anymore.
What a difference a day makes.
Too long I have allowed my stubbornness and shame to impede me. Beneath layer upon layer of doubt, guilt, and depression, I do know my own right from wrong; however, that conscience rarely ever seeps passed those barriers to the surface of my decisions. Being this weak willed, I start at a tremendous disadvantage, but I need to concentrate less on comparisons and more on optimizing my own continuous progress regardless of its relativity. I realize increasingly more that my expectations for immediacy are inherently counterproductive. I cannot achieve this new beginning overnight; this is something I have to work for with both diligence and ease and not withdraw from so readily in frustration.
And what will my first step be? I am learning to ask for help, not passively though but rather through interaction. I need to start utilizing the resources that are available to me as it has become devastatingly clear that I can’t do this on my own. I am not talking about dependency, which has been my general way of wallowing stagnant, but growth. I am asking myself and those around me for communication, criticism, and challenges. I am finally willing to put forth a level of openness of which I have never done before, but I need to be careful that it does not become as exploitative as it was sinking to so recently. I will try to make the best of the relationships I do have, and learn to take up the initiative to seek out new ones that can be mutually beneficial.
I want failure; I want it because I know it’s inevitable and I need to learn how to take it without scarring my esteem and relapsing at its mere possibility - is my vulnerability inherent or can it be unlearned? If it can’t be unlearned then I embrace my own demise; better that than not trying. I have wasted too much time protecting a life that I have never found worth living; I can’t live like this anymore.
What a difference a day makes.
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